The In-Betweens

I was sorely tempted to post another 'gone writing' banner and beg off of blogging today, but then I remembered, "oh right - twins!" and thought I'd better blog while I still can.

My wife and I are astonished floored delighted weary so happy that those babies are still in utero, given twins' propensity to arrive rather early. We're at the point when they could arrive anywhere from today (no joke) to two weeks from now, and we've been at that point for a good solid two weeks - most twins arrive as early as 28 weeks and as late as 39, with more than half being born by 35 weeks - and while I'm psyched for the extra time to get my to-do lists from miles-long to just feet, this is a very weird way to live.

"Do you want to have dinner on Saturday?" friends ask.

"Um, maybe?" we reply.

"Let's schedule an appointment for the week after next," my acupuncturist says.

"Right, and what was your cancellation policy again?" I ask.

I book clients at my day job, and wonder if I'll actually be there for our appointments. I look forward to settling down with my library book (The Empathy Exams, currently) and then wonder if I'll have a chance to finish it before it's due - and how much I'll end up owing if I don't have time to return it.

All because, you know, babies.

I'm not complaining, really - I just wish I knew when, so I could settle down and live and get things done. But since the Fates laugh at even the idea of me knowing, I have to stay in this weird in-between place. Not yet a parent, but not not a parent. Working and planning and crossing items off of lists, and trying not to hold my breath every time my wife so much as frowns.

This, of course, is all incidental when compared to the Real Anxiety: that my life is about to change so utterly and wholly that I may not recognize it anymore; that I myself am about to change, too; that my family is about to double in size; and, most of all, that I cannot fathom what any of this is going to look like. 

I can imagine. I can extrapolate. I can guess. But I won't know until they're here. I am stuck, between parenting and not, between one stage of life and another. I am in the in-betweens. We both are.

So, we wait. And we plan, and hope, and complete tasks. And we wait.