5 MUSTS For Successful Writers

Please excuse our small departure from the normal content of this blog. We will resume our regularly scheduled programming next week. What can I say? When satire strikes, you must obey. 

You've got a really awesome idea for a book. You know your screenplay is a billion dollar hit. Maybe you just like words. Whatever the reason, as my friend Anna would say, you wish to be a writer. The only problem is, you're not sure how to do it. Don't worry! I've got 5 MUST-DO tips for you that will turn you into a huge success:

1. Start Fast and Give Up Faster

Everyone knows that if you're going to be successful in publishing, it'll happen overnight. This industry moves fast, so you have to move faster. Got a rough draft done? Good enough!! Slap together a query letter and send that puppy out. No one expects you do have a polished piece; there'll be plenty of time for that once somebody writes you a big check.

If you've sent one query, though, and it got rejected, best to give up right away. One rejection is enough: as everyone knows, all agents and publishers like the exact same thing, so if one said no, they'll all say no. No big deal, though, since you can write another one in the next couple of hours!


2. Write Only What You Know

You know the old writing adage, write what you know? Well, it doesn't go far enough! Write only what you yourself have seen, felt, touched, or experienced. Driven a Ford but not a Toyota? Then your characters should only drive Fords. You can never imagine anything else to any degree of accuracy. This means that your stories will be populated by you, yourself, and you, but that's totally OK: who doesn't love a navel-gazer?


3. Put Everyone You Know In Your Work

The best way to make sure everyone you know buys your work is to put them in it. Don't disguise - how else will they know it's them? Don't tell them ahead of time, either, because that'll spoil the fun. Make sure you bring out their worst qualities and share their deepest secrets, because drama sells.

Also, who is your main character going to talk to if you don't put in your family and friends? See #2 above.


4. Never Read

Ever! It'll waste precious time you need in this speedy, ever-changing field. You read in school, right? That's enough. You can figure out what sells and what's good by looking at covers and thinking about it.


5. Get Sensitive

Feedback works best when you're too defensive to hear it, so make sure you can't stand to hear a word against what you've created.

And besides, everyone - and I do mean everyone! - is going to LOVE you and your work! Writers are great at pleasing everyone. What better way to enjoy it than to soak it all up? So shed those protective layers and make sure your skin is good and thin; that way all of the universal adoration will sink right in.


That's it! That's all you need to know. If you follow these, I fear for you know you'll be a HUGE success!

Got any more great tips for becoming a successful writer? Share them in the comments!

Disclaimer: no writers were hurt in the making of this post, but then. no writers were made in the making of this post, either.